Another Drunken Post

I met with a bunch of friends today, and am quite high right now.

Sometimes I feel, sitting with friends and having a few drinks is the only joy left in life.

And right about now, I am feeling particularly stupid about writing this down, but that's not going to stop me, because for at-least a few hours I think I am above embarrassment, also because I think not too many people will read this ever.

Those dear friends I made just a few years back, there is a sense of belonging there, a certain comfort, which has become all too elusive, in the corporate and perception first lives we are leading right now,

the mid life crisis that has merged into the quarter life crisis and is a new phenomenon in the adulterated and unadulterated growth in the lives of Indian youth.

The fear of missing out weighing heavy in this "golden age" of India, coupled with uncertainty and conditional upbringing with no faith in support systems, only driving to burn people inside and out, turning them into emotional zombies.

Apparently, feeling and expressing is not okay anymore, it's a sign of weakness.

Because, taking your due time and people actually making an effort to teach you stuff is not reason anymore, because making mistakes maybe isn't acceptable anymore.

You are supposed to be these finished goods, with 10 years of experience at an age of 22.

Making mistakes isn't just part of the process anymore.

I don't think there has ever been enough peer pressure to rival that of today in any era, and there has never been as blind a rat race that is going on today, neither has there been the amount of shaming, self and otherwise that is prevalent today.

There is no more room for any of the subtler nuances of being a human, maybe we really are slowly turning into machines, a tweak here and a little tweak there, and we all behave within a set of defined parameters.

I think we need to talk, about this and other lesser significant things.

Doesn't matter if we haven't been in touch for a long time.

Reach out to me, you know where to, and I am available to listen without any prejudices, if you can do the same for someone else.

Ignoring the silence

We want something, we all think we do, but is it really what we want? We want it because we listen to our families, friends, their families and strangers, they tell us what we want, we listen to the voices inside our head and ignore the silence. The silence whispers what we really want, it doesn't pester, force or burdens us with lies, it lets us breathe and that's why it is beautiful, that's why it is the truth and that's why it is what we want-Silence. But we ignore it, because it isn't loud. Because hammering voices tell us that whatever is loud must be the truth. I remember reading somewhere that whenever in doubt, do a coin toss, in the time the coin is in air, you will know what you want, no one said how you narrow your choices down to two or how you make sure the choices you have are really yours. Even if one finds, what one truly wants using the above trick, will he/she choose to pursue that or choose to ignore the silence? Ignore the silence I think, we are trained that way. Ignoring the silence, if you can learn it, is a neat trick in itself, after all problems arise when there is a conflict but if you learn to ignore one side, it's not a problem anymore, is it? The way I see it we have two options, one is to learn to ignore the silence, let the voices in completely, continue in the set frameworks, generations have continued in, won't be easy, all of us are introspective, but that is what is to be learned-ignorance, won't be too hard either, we are already half way there, we understand there will be minor lapses but that's not an issue, ignorance ain't hard, we are programmed for it; the other is for the adventurous type, ready to embrace the silence, ignore the voices, for the ones ready to give it a shot, the ones who are ready to brave all the inconvenience of listening to the silence, the ones ready to face the chance of a failure.

The choice is ours, that is if there is really a choice.

Locks and Chains

We all have a chest, some have trunks, some mite have closets, but the common denominator is a safe place, where we store our precious little possessions or lock up our darkest fears, and those little things we are proud to have but don't want anyone to see. I dread, somehow all of us at one point or other have locked our humanity down in a safe in that closet, locked it away and hid the key somewhere deep. May be to protect it or to protect ourselves from it, but we have locked it, locked it for so long, probably forgot about it. Forgetting must have been convenient, really convenient!!! Scared to look into that vault aren't we? Scared to throw everything else out, scared to look through all the things amassed over the years, stored away; scared of all the reminders of what we once were, scared to look for that safe and key. Scared to look for that one thing that made us human. Scared...It might not be there anymore, it might not be the same, it might be dead!! As long as you don't look it might be alive, it might be all right; remembering it, looking for it, will change that. We are scared to face that, all the inconvenience it might cause by being there or by not being. No, am not judging you, we are in the same boat here, for once everyone is... You thought you would be better off without it, didn't you? And for a while you were, weren't you? But in those moments when you are faced with life altering decisions, when you have to make a tough choice or in those when you stop for a while, when you find that little time for yourself, something nags you somewhere, doesn't it? You are not yourself anymore, you don't know it, yet you feel it...something's missing.... And it pains so much it hurts physically, but you have learned to numb it, after all you have years of practice... Am dismayed, disappointed, shattered, don't worry I have a lot of practice too...

Might be

"Wasn't it supposed to be that way."

"I guess. Unless it wasn't, may be it was supposed to be this way."

"I think you might be wrong."

"I think you might be right. Might be."

LOVE

Love...Something one will pursue with all their heart, head, mind, soul blah blah blah. Something that drives one so insane that in an instant they would throw away all of their life's accomplishments, friends, relations and every other material, non-material, prized possessions or souvenirs down the drain without a moment's hesitation. That too for something that, at times makes no sense to them at all, and drives them crazy beyond limit. Aren't all these characteristics of an obsession? Being so deeply in love with the idea of love that it hinders clear vision(societal norms or whatever, i have no idea what clear vision is, purpose of life and higher stuff that always make me dizzy). Some may argue it ain't an obsession, it's a world where flowers blossom, dreams fly and all other fairy tale gooey stuff happens and some may say it's a good obsession. But if it's an all divine, once in a lifetime, membership opportunity to happiness club, how come everytime a heart breaks the divine life goes out the window, directly down to stinking sewers and all of a sudden love is the worst thing that could have happened to you. But then again all it takes is the next ship, you are on it and ahoy! hoot hoot you are up and away. One may argue that, that's the beauty of love, everytime it happens it's good and new, it's healing and refreshing and remedial and _____________________________ . So then it ain't that special, is it? Isn't it hypocritical? Isn't it more of a convenience? A little something to disguise our more basic carnal and emotional desires, to be desired, to be sought after? And ain't that considered bad?

PS: Just a train of thought

KGP!!!

KGP!!! No, this post wont be another "KGP and blogger" love account rather it wont be any account at all... As the name of the blog goes am gonna randomly blurt here whatever's gonna come to my mind...i may go very astray of the topic(if u think dere is any) and am not a very charming writer either...

Statutory Warning 2 [the first one was the one above]: This post may get very bore..so those not interested are warned 'off' now and those interested read it quick, for it mite not be dere d next time(yup...i may have deleted it in the aftershame of writing such a thing).

So KGP...i guess what many wud call a 'PERFECT' place for having ur "college life"... May be even rightly so... i mean you get a good campus, awesome opportunities, all-round nurturing and many more things am not well aware of and frankly the list is quite long...and am not being sarcastic i really appreciate evrything...but where i fail to connect with kgp or rather i shud say i somehow, somewhere deep inside me hate kgp is in the fact, that it has changed me, i believe i used to be a better person before kgp happened...and the change is not anyone's fault but mine, i completely appreciate that...they say na...u eventually become what u hate the most....i guess that has come to pass...It's not that i only downright hate kgp...i love it too...partly for the fear of a bigger hell waiting out there for me at the end of my four year term and partly for it has given me so many more people to love and admire and so many brilliant memories...

The first year random bicycle trips...night walks all around the campus with sandy...those discussions with him...class masti...those lonely 2.2(s)...that aweful yet awesome cal trip with DJ n anu...those cricket matches and that cricket night....MMM roof bhaat...that awesome coffin night...those treats n gpls...the dc bakar...den d op...d SOP...d illu...d drams...2.2(s) with Thakral, Bindal, Sumit n Sumit and those jus with Sumit and those alone...not to forget d sf and ktj both the years...lallu roof with bindal n Sumit, most fuckin awesome...cheddis wid dipesh at 5:30 in the morning...and then again d various mixed cal trips...d midsems and d endsems...Bindal's and Vidit's never-ending ramblings...and that expression on Vidit's and Sumit's face while saying " Apna kuch nahi hoga" Priceless!!! All the train bhaat sessions to and fro especially d one with all d school talk with vidit...etcetera etcetera...

People to love and admire...Sumit n Sumit, Thakral, Bindal, Vidit, Anurag, Dj, Bansi, Pratsy, Sandy, Paggy, Dipesh, Bhandari, Chopra, Mayank so many awesome seniors whose name i actually first wrote here and then deleted, a couple of other people too whose name i wont take either and the list goes on...

It's been good i guess i mean d last two paragraphs clearly reflect that...but kgp gets to u sometimes...all places do...but kgp has a special knack for such kind of things...it's been two years and somehow i never got the feeling that i belong...always have this feeling that i have lost too much...lost almost everything i was proud of...plus i see these dimwits the so called brightest brains in the country restlessly blindly helplessly just gobbing up things proud of what they are doing, i dont criticise them for that though i sometimes(mark sometimes) pity them but atleast they know or atleast they think they know what they want, where i hate them is in the fact that they would go to any lengths to achieve these so called goals...competition is competition i know, i too have read darwin's theory but u call some people ur friends, u spend most of ur time with them, share ur most intimate secrets with them and then in a flash without even thinking once would betray, backstab or backbitch about the same person for something so very puny and tiny...i know this seems a bit too strong while reading but isnt it exactly that?

Whatever...i guess such kind-of assholes are everywhere to be found so i more or less have made my peace with the place...have found some really awesome friends and i hope...